Catch Me If You Can

Fat cops have taken a bite out of more than just crime.

And these overweight officers are paid to protect us.

But they can barely catch their own breath, never mind a suspect who is hot-footing it from a crime scene.

When asked to grill a criminal they want to run off to the Spur [grocery store].

"Our officers have to show self-discipline and must exude confidence," says Superintendent Mohlabi Tlomatsana.

"The public must look at the officer and say: 'There is someone that can protect me,' " he adds.

But none of these vettie bom bom's exude anything but the smell of gravy.

Tlomatsana says there are no specific height and weight requirements to become a cop.

But officers do need to be in good health.

Police Commissioner Gary Kruser says police...are liable if citizens are harmed because unfit cops can't perform their duties.

The dik cops also weigh heavily on the budget of the South African Police Services. (SAPS).

"Not only do unfit officials not perform optimally, they cost money for sick leave and medical fund expenses," says Kruser.

Have a closer look at the roly-poly officers on this page and see whether they meet the following police standards:

* Ability to run or pursue suspect on foot. (Our fat cops only run when the take-away on the corner is closing.)

* Climb and jump over obstacles. (These porky officers think 'jump' is what you do to a car that won't start.)

* Balance on an uneven or narrow surface. (The closest they get to this is trying to balance their huge asses on narrow benches while having lunch.)

* Drag, lift or carry heavy objects such as a human body. (Here our officers will do well. They are used to carrying entire sheep to bring-and-braais.)

* Restraining or subduing suspects by locks, grips and holds. (We suggest they overweight officers think of their suspects as hamburgers, that way they will never let go.)

* Rescuing people from water or other dangerous situations. (This should be easy as the cops can easily float out to the victim on their tummy and buoyant partners.) ...

Yes, it's another story from the Daily Voice. Another story that the broadsheet papers shamelessly ripped off several days later. The story above ran on Monday. On Saturday, the Argus ran this.