How to Write About Africa

I winced a little when a copy editor headlined one of my travel stories about Cape Town with the words "Urban Safari." It seems a rather too obvious choice. But now, thanks to a fantastic journal called Granta, I am happy to report that using the words "Africa," "Darkness" or "Safari" in the title happens to be the first rule of writing about Africa. Literally.

Among the other rules:

* Never have a picture of a well-adjusted African on the cover of your book, or in it, unless that African has won the Nobel Prize.

* In your text, treat Africa as if it were one country. It is hot and dusty with rolling grasslands and huge herds of animals and tall, thin people who are starving. Or it is hot and steamy with very short people who eat primates.

* You'll also need a nightclub called Tropicana, where mercenaries, evil nouveau riche Africans and prostitutes and guerrillas and expats hang out.

* Always end your book with Nelson Mandela saying something about rainbows or renaissances. Because you care.

There might be a touch of sarcasm in this piece. Maybe. Judge for yourself here.